A bit of light reading!

 

Fancy dress - from Clanga in Deni!

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. 

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. 

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...   Naturally (since he was her husband). 

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing.. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

“But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.”

Distracted Driving Incident - From Phil Westmore

This morning on the Monash Freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Mercedes Doing 100 kph with her face up next to her rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving.

When I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane (!) Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.  

But she scared me so much, I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped My electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car and using my knees against

the steering wheel, knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins.

It ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Women drivers eh!

Scottish Snow Storm - Alby Ashley

I Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken b...... in.

 The Lone Ranger - From Jan Bourke 05/02/15.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,

"I do....Why?"

 The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,

"I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,

"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said,

"Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,

"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

(..I JUST LOVE THIS PART....)

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

Investing in Art - From Gavin Scown. 19/01/15.

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:  “Well done, very good news indeed!  You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:  “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.

 

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. – From Jack Unmack

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers.

I bet 5,000 Euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 Euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman. "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 Euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

 

The Irish - From Gavin Scown 

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. 

• 
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured         of having a worthy opponent. 

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
 
  "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. 

• 
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
  Answer - So the English can understand them.
 

• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
 
  "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" 

• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" 
  Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." 

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
  "No," said himself, "but I'm getting closer all the time." 

• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
  A. A bachelor. 

• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clockin the morning. I can't break her of it.
 "

  Keenan: What on earth is she doin' up at that time? "

  Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home . 

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" 
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.  "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." 

• 
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Nightly Lecture – From Jack Unmack

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and he was asked where he was going at that time of night. 
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 
The officer then asked, "Really?  Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"  
The man replied, "That would be my wife." 


Sex for Beer! from Jack Unmack

 This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Grog Shop.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ....

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

(An Aussie always has the right answer.)

 Professional Help! from Gavin Scown

She had hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in my car.  I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO  Much!  You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Tommy Cooperisms. "very good!" from Cheryl Bradley

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
6. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
10. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'  Reply 'It's not unusual.'
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What (?) because he's cross-eyed?' Reply 'No, because he's really heavy'.
12. An Irish girl got engaged to an Eskimo.  It didn’t last.  She broke it off.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
15. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
16. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
17. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

Drover at the Pearly Gates - Barry Atkins

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered, "on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya".

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago." 

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...Spanish Oysters - from Clanga.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' 

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.

There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

 After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

“Si, Senor.   Sometimes the bull wins."

 Where Whitefella went wrong!!......by Clanga

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:

"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish,
Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like
that."

50  Shades of Fishing from Alby Ashley

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going.
Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they
do?

 Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting
there with a tent set up,
Firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

 "Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus
into letting you go?"

 "Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.”

 “Well, she's been reading that book, "50 Shades of Grey"
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

My First drink with my son. From Gavin Scown

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.  I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it – so I had it.

Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.

A Pakistani goes to heaven - From Phil

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Joke from Brian Clancy of Deniliquin                                 

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot and killed his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bleedin' autocorrect. I meant "wifi" not "wife".

Joke from Alby Ashley 

An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

Joke from Noel Williamson

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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